Struggles

 

I wonder often what "normal" means. What "normal" feels like. I am envious of people with happy families, even mildly unhappy families. I see their photos and a lump forms in my throat. Why can I not have that? But the answer lies within me. 

It cannot be had by me simply because of who I am. Because of my mind, my heart, my personality. I grew up reading Mills & Boon dime novels in my early teens. That left a big impression on my young mind. I thought love was forever. Isn't it how that works? 

Apparently not. Apparently love can die. Painfully. It can be replaced with disdain and indifference. And I had to find that out on my own, in real life. 

I now wish maybe I had a child. I didn't have one for many many reasons. Those reasons still hold. It is also frightening for me. But the need to believe that you belong to someone, that that someone loves you without doubt or condition - well, it is a basic primal human need. The need to have someone to watch in my old age - watch with pride and joy and overwhelming love until the eyes and breath give way. Maybe that is why humans have kids. 

I wish my life had panned out differently. But it couldn't possibly have. Because of me - due to my own mind and heart and personality. The problem is how to reach acceptance and stop yearning for what could never have been and what will never be. 

I feel weak now. Vulnerable. The strength has to course through me once again. May God give me that strength.